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October 3rd, 2008

12:16 am - Wow 40 weeks, Appearantly it has been 40 weeks since my last post, and reading even the ones from just 10 months ago its weird to see how much ive changed, I seem to be less and less expressive and artistic in everything i do. I seem to be mind-wandering into more realistic but still completely insane day-dreams I miss being with Zno and I feel like I might be in MN for the wrong reasons, all I know is that I want more than what i have in my day to day life, not more money, not more stuff I want more things (non-physical things) I want to travel, I want to be social, I want to go to Parties-(not Drunken-idiot fests, more like benefits and groups and organizations), I want to discover, explore, help people somehow... There are over a Billion differnt jobs and careers out there, I have explored maybe 10 of them in one way or another and come in contact with hundreds.... Why is it that none of those strike my fancy? what is it that I am craving in my life? I change my surroundings then i get bored quickly and wish to change them again.... just thoughts.... I dont know why im rambling Current Mood: contemplative

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December 22nd, 2007

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November 26th, 2007

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October 27th, 2007

01:23 pm - ugh well i finally made it back to my computer, and I just feel bad inside, my tummy hurts my throat hurts and Zno.. well I am just so confused.. can I really be happy like this? I mean 6 months ago i wanted nothing more than to be here with him and out trying to figure out what I need to do to make myself happy, I got a car and a dog and some jobs and such.. I need to go back to school, and I do not have a mommy and daddy who will pay my rent just because I am in school... I can not continue living in someones basement and I feel like I need to not be here.. is he right for me am I really happy? I mean I just do not know I am confused right now and I need to figure out if this is just going to keep going or am I just upset and confused right now???? wish I knew.. I need a break from me and all of this I should have just gone to new-york and stayed on my original path.. ugh I can not think straight right now.. kk bye Current Mood: confused

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October 26th, 2007

01:11 am - hope it werks this time and it is being a huge pain in yhe ass... So please exscuse my spelling errors and such though it tried to correct them it doen noy always do a good job my damn blog froendlh phone is not wprking properly it is instead being very lafgy and making me angry. I sit outside just funiahex nailing another nail ointo my coffin as I sit her watching the rain fall I am simply irritated with my surroundingszno ndi went to visit his bro d unos resize TNT I needfgi ok. That last part was ANdSI rwmize I need my own damn plqcethis I rediculous I. Annoy not not type like this damn you pole dn you I phone. Damn da damndamn this is rediculous retarded. Ugh I quit. It I can not go to sleep becausethe. Its are gong I. There. Damn games damn boys. I so sleep I n the cold st grass wet. Rang I quit Current Location: porch 3 rd floor charlotte nc Current Mood: discontent Current Music: rain drops sortof Tags: ughhhhhhhhhhh

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October 25th, 2007

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October 10th, 2007

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March 6th, 2007

09:18 pm - here is the sitch I love Zno a ton, But he can be such a child He got mad at me (again) and I am a person who give people space, and now hes pissed and telling me that I dont care about our relationship Cute right,' he says "live your own life and dont include me in it" heh, he will cool off eventually. I admit I wasnt as attentive enough, but I like space when I am mad, so I let him have his I love him, and when he figures out why he is so mad, he can call me Oh well.. all will be well before I move out there Current Mood: blank

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December 16th, 2006

03:23 am - The MOST disgusting, worthless, pathetic, egotistical, moronic, drunken, male on the planet ( Beyond this is a ranting, raving and all the reasons to never go to or work at the Breakaway bar and Grill in Robinsdale Minnesota ) Current Mood: aggravated

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December 12th, 2006

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October 23rd, 2006

04:21 pm - a message Why do we sleep in church but...when the ceremony is over we suddenly wake up? Why is it so hard to talk about God but so easy to talk about sex? Why are we so bored when we look at a Christian magazine....but find it easy to read Playboy?.... Why is it so easy to ignore a Godly message...yet we repost the nasty ones? Why are churches getting smaller...but bars and clubs are growing??.... Think about it...are you going to repost this or ignore it because you think you'll get laughed at? Just remember God is always watching you. Current Mood: angry

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October 21st, 2006

04:03 am - g00d news and Bad news About the fight tuesday, Good news the boys are still friends Bad news the guys jaw is wired shut, split right down the middle, and on his left side, Snapped both, he now has a metal plate on his chin and side, and has his jaw wired shut for 6 weeks OUch glad im not him Current Mood: amused

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October 20th, 2006

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October 18th, 2006

02:54 am - My eventful Night ( Start: ) ( Part one CJ ) ( TC ) ( Tanya and Emily ) ( Chick Fight ) ( And you thought it was over ) Well thats my night, don't you wish You worked here too? Also this is not the first story.. I should tell you about the prostitute Mona and her stint there too. How she was fired... ( Mona ) Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Call Me When You're Sober- Evanescence

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October 17th, 2006

04:07 pm - ok super strange OK so I had this Super weird dream, and this is what I remember of it: We (all these people and I) were in an elementary school, or maybe a jr. high. Either way, I remember there being students that belonged there listening to a lacture in ahuge hall with couches in the middle and bleachers on the outside. Some of the people were smoking, in the school, when the teachers weren't looking. I remember walking through the halls. and I remember sitting in these bleachers reclining on Jake (the tall one) and also I remember a phone I found, another cell phone And I took it, claimed it as mine, it worked. I remember people looking at me angry I was suggling with this guy. i don't remember john being there. But i know the snuggling was innocent, just me lieing against him for comfort, I am a snuggly person. I can't believe I remember all of this, I know there is more, I remember filing out but not why we all left, I want tonkow why I have such strange dreams. i also rememberr I woke up thinking of John and How much I miss him though. . . ( Analasys ) Current Mood: strange

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01:43 am - I know heres more: I want to move away from here. I need to get out of here. I need a change. I can't keep faling into these same ruts time after time. I keep trudging through school, the same jobs, the same painful things that keep me down. I am so tired of it all. I find myself so much happier in like north carolina maybe, with John Maybe.. . I just need to get a job and find my place in the world. I am not happy with what I have. Luckily I get to talk to my baby and I get to know he is there for me. I need to re-enstate my social life. lets get together, say thursdays, we shall find a good coffee shop and chill for a few hours every other thursday, or even go bowling, please I need it call me if you are interested, starting this thursday the 19th It willbe fun, I know you can all find tme for me, I have found time for you, and you know who you are. I need you now. I need you to help dig me out of this rut and I need your help. This is a call out to those who love me and those who care. COME TAKE ME HOME, make me feel like I belong somewher again. please. I am also financcially stunted at the moment, so I can not offer to buy for anyone, though I know it has become my calling card to buy for those I care abot I can barely afford to buy for myself. i love you all and hope someone will answer this cry for help. Current Mood: In need of a hug

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July 24th, 2006

02:44 am - Dear John Letter Dear John most of this will be unfinished thoughts and statements first I did call, after a bit, I want to be with you, but... I Know its not what is rigth for you. I dont see any good I have done for you, I cause you stress, doubt.. and I make a mess of everything. Everything I touch breaks And I can obviously not be trusted.. I wanted to just call and tell you its bad to end things that way.. but i couldn't I keep thinking some realy great advice i was once given "never make a decision when things go wrong, Decide when all is going well, then you know you decided because you wanted to, not emotion" I believe if you can't talk to me, and other things, I am not right for you, I want so badly to be. I have done the best I can to do good and be good.. and make good impressions. I feel like Ice I feel like I have for months, Like I dont desrve you Maybe I should just wake up. I belong here, and I deserve what i get here right, its karma. Ill get it all in the end... Ill just live with whatever.. I do like to quit.. and run away.. I hate things like this I just want to hide and cry when you picked up the phone and said I love you... I couldnt say anything I can't do what I believe needs to be done because I can't hurt you like that. so I guess it is up to you... or I need to let you know faster how this is not gonna work I am so sorry I have invaded your life goodbye Dek Current Mood: Lost and Never Found

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