Mind's Eye View

Wow 40 weeks,

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 05:25:20 GMT

Appearantly it has been 40 weeks since my last post, and reading even the ones from just 10 months ago its weird to see how much ive changed,
I seem to be less and less expressive and artistic in everything i do.
I seem to be mind-wandering into more realistic but still completely insane day-dreams
I miss being with Zno and I feel like I might be in MN for the wrong reasons, all I know is that I want more than what i have in my day to day life, not more money, not more stuff
I want more things (non-physical things)
I want to travel, I want to be social, I want to go to Parties-(not Drunken-idiot fests, more like benefits and groups and organizations), I want to discover, explore, help people somehow...
There are over a Billion differnt jobs and careers out there, I have explored maybe 10 of them in one way or another and come in contact with hundreds....

Why is it that none of those strike my fancy? what is it that I am craving in my life?
I change my surroundings then i get bored quickly and wish to change them again....

just thoughts.... I dont know why im rambling

UN REAL

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 04:47:59 GMT

One of my FAVORITE regulars from my icebreak job into waitressing/bartending was Diablo Cody. It makes me feel so small and unacomplished to see what she has done since the last time I saw her at that seedy Robinsdale bar. Ok the bar wasn't seedy, just most of my memories of it. ANYWAYS I bought her book AS SOON as it came out, and read it, forced my friends to buy and read it *(Candy Girl - A Year In The Life Of An Unlikely Stripper)* LOVED IT, Now shes written and produced a movie!! (I saw the previews before I knew it was hers and for some reason found the plot familiar). I figured out why I thought I had heard it before when my mom called to tell me she was on TV. I ws dumbfounded, I heard rumors but WOW

Google DIablo Cody she was on letterman and some others for her book... CONGRATS DIABLO and good luck John, Im sure you're having tons of fun playing with her now! I hope we can go out again... just wow.. Ill buy you a drink at The Break-Away some time LOL!!

predictions. For fun!

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 00:52:05 GMT

pie. Is gonna marry a Spanish speaking dream with deep eyes and the body of a god. But not before grabbing 2 or 3 phds in psychology and other people helping areas

Frankie is going to follow her same path to another five years before she brings some of her stories to publishers and strikes it rich. After a few more years that maroon five guy is gonna see her pic on the back cover of one of her famous lovers and instantly fall in love with her after their 2 year honeymoon she starts writing screen plays and starring in her own movies

ugh

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 17:28:59 GMT

well i finally made it back to my computer, and I just feel bad inside, my tummy hurts my throat hurts and Zno.. well I am just so confused.. can I really be happy like this?
I mean 6 months ago i wanted nothing more than to be here with him and out trying to figure out what I need to do to make myself happy, I got a car and a dog and some jobs and such.. I need to go back to school, and I do not have a mommy and daddy who will pay my rent just because I am in school... I can not continue living in someones basement and I feel like I need to not be here.. is he right for me am I really happy? I mean I just do not know I am confused right now and I need to figure out if this is just going to keep going or am I just upset and confused right now???? wish I knew.. I need a break from me and all of this I should have just gone to new-york and stayed on my original path.. ugh I can not think straight right now.. kk bye

hope it werks this time

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 05:21:11 GMT

and it is being a huge pain in yhe ass... So please exscuse my spelling errors and

such though it tried to correct them it doen noy always do a good job my damn blog froendlh phone is not wprking properly it is instead being very lafgy and making me angry. I sit outside just funiahex nailing another nail ointo my coffin as I sit her watching the rain fall I am simply irritated with my surroundingszno ndi went to visit his bro d unos resize TNT I needfgi
ok. That last part was ANdSI rwmize I need my own damn plqcethis I rediculous I. Annoy not not type like this damn you pole dn you I phone. Damn da damndamn this is rediculous retarded. Ugh I quit. It I can not go to sleep becausethe. Its are gong I. There. Damn games damn boys. I so sleep I n the cold st grass wet. Rang I quit

bored And Not Sure If there is a cure

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 03:34:58 GMT

so my awesome or its suppsed to be awesme phone is typing slow ill blog my irritaitoon leter grrrrrrrrr moger fuckingthingu

bored

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 20:36:58 GMT

what to do

here is the sitch

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 03:27:58 GMT

I love Zno a ton,
But he can be such a child
He got mad at me (again) and I am a person who give people space, and now hes pissed and telling me that I dont care about our relationship

Cute right,'
he says "live your own life and dont include me in it"
heh, he will cool off eventually.

I admit I wasnt as attentive enough, but I like space when I am mad, so I let him have his

I love him, and when he figures out why he is so mad, he can call me

Oh well.. all will be well before I move out there

The MOST disgusting, worthless, pathetic, egotistical, moronic, drunken, male on the planet

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 09:22:37 GMT

I am going to break this down as best i can:

The Family:
Luke: His job is supposed to be that he watches what goes on in the bar in the evenings. he is supposed to regulate what and hpw much the bartenders pour, make sure the costomers are contented, help the bartenders and waitresses with problems we cannot fix (ie. printers and computors going down, costomers drinks being mispoured, or drinks not being paid for etc.), Basically he is supposed to 'keep the peace' and maintain control and be basically a Boss.
Instead he usually sits at the bar in the corner, or at a table near the bar, drinks beer and shots of sambuca, makes rude gestures, picks fights, irritates costomers, insults costomers, grumbles when asked for help, criticizes the workers, and does nothing at all to hold a status as a boss or even a human being that deserves respect, he has a great tendancy to make women feel like shit, he treats all the people he comes in contact with like dirt- unless they worship him, or pretend to. He is constantly being a "Class-A Asshole".

Kathy: The mom, she is sweet and funny and about the only on in cotrol, I have no complaints about her at all. Family means a lot to her and she will stand behind her boys 100% right or wrong,

Gene: usually fine and somewhat helpful when mostly sober. He can become beligerant and pig-headed when drunk but he is a well rounded and nice guy. Protective and usually on top of things.

The Bar: Is a great bar, a great setup, live music 7 nights a week, rarely a cover charge. cheap and overpoured drinks, would be a great place to hang out except....

The Costomers:Although less than most like to acknowlege that Tipping is not just a city in China, Fun and most of them are great people. I love the costomers that is the primary reason I am still working there.

The Co-Workers: Chris-Bouncer/ Bartender Pompus, irritating, pig headed and selfish, though usually in a great mood and helpful, can be very deceivingly sweet and charming, very charismatic.
James-Bouncer Currently a favorite. he seems more down to earth than most of them. sweet, funny, and helpful. (cute too) can be conceided and male but they all can be.
Dale: Bouncer, definately a favorite. adorable helpful, nice and does a great job at what he does, was here, quit and they asked him back beacuse there were so few fights with dale watching the bar.
Bobby- Bartender. can be mean and rude and grouchy from time to time, However normally he is nice and funny and quick with the waitresses drinks.
Dave: Bartender, he is funny and nice, very sweet, charismatic. Generally a good bartender, I think it is his first bartending job though, He does his job, and he is a strong worker.
TC- waitress
Lori_waitress
Rachel- waitress
Nicci- waitress
Me (Nicole) waitress

The Treartment: At this bar, I do not get treated the way i like. I can not bring myself to think of luke as a boss. hes not. they like to chage rules in the middle of a shift, they like to change prices and speacials and duties mid shift. they do not do well at running a bar, they need MORE strict rules, and tehy need to introduce these rules at a meting not in the middle of a shift. They need to communicate with their employees, I am so sick of coming to work to find out that they fired my entertainment, or they sceduled a party to be there, or they have someone else working, or they forgot to call a replacement, or they cancelled the party I came in for.... (these are just a few things that have happened.)

Tonight: My boss decided to tell me (for the first time I have heard it in 2 years) the tables are to be set up at an angle, and in a certain formation. Then they decided to change the way I have been finsihing off my night for the last 2 years by reversing the order I do everything. He then proceded to ask my coworker Rachel to quit because he has a problem with her boyfriend. He told her to quit or to walk 2 blocks in robinsdale at 3 am to get to her ride. he caused teh problem with her boyfriend by telling him that she fucked him to get the job, and proceding to, when he got pissed at him for saying that about his girlfriend and told luke off, (luke-) kicked out and banned her boyfriend from the bar. this all happened after My 'boss' pointed and laughed at her boyfriend, made rude gestures toward him, and made extremely rude comments to him.

Other Nights: My favorite costomers will never set foot in the bar again beacuse he called one a drunk, did his point and laugh thing at the table 2 nights in a row, called the men gays, and mimicked them saying he hoped they did not jump him in the parking lot.. He made howling songs as another sang,... and when I told him he had offended my costomers, and he had made them not want to come back, he laughed and said good riddence. These costomers brought in lots of business, they always paid their tabs .. and were always nice, collected and great to have in the bar.

I want to quit. I want to have everyone I know boycott the bar, and I am so angry and appaled I want to knock Luke out, how would he survive the embarrasment, being knocked out by a girl....

Ok so there is a whole, week left of classes for me

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 18:42:31 GMT

and I am exhausted. I plan on taking a class next semester.
I think

I need some help rearranging some things in y basement....

a message

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 21:19:46 GMT

Why do we sleep in church but...when the ceremony is over we suddenly wake up?

Why is it so hard to talk about God but so easy to talk about sex?

Why are we so bored when we look at a Christian magazine....but find it easy to read Playboy?....

Why is it so easy to ignore a Godly message...yet we repost the nasty ones?

Why are churches getting smaller...but bars and clubs are growing??....

Think about it...are you going to repost this or ignore it because you think you'll get laughed at?

Just remember God is always watching you.

g00d news and Bad news

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 09:05:23 GMT

About the fight tuesday,
Good news the boys are still friends
Bad news the guys jaw is wired shut, split right down the middle, and on his left side, Snapped both, he now has a metal plate on his chin and side, and has his jaw wired shut for 6 weeks
OUch glad im not him

I got lucky!

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 06:56:48 GMT

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
dekan1113 goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Princess.
channab gives you 16 mottled green tropical-flavoured pieces of chewing gum.
charonathon tricks you! You get a clothespin.
doubleduckie gives you 10 milky white lemon-flavoured gummy bats.
frankie_b_goode gives you 10 milky white cherry-flavoured gumdrops.
strike2002 gives you 6 purple raspberry-flavoured wafers.
xkaijah gives you 14 milky white grapefruit-flavoured gummy worms.
xxfireagle gives you 12 yellow banana-flavoured jawbreakers.
yabbieizme tricks you! You get a dead frog.
dekan1113 ends up with 68 pieces of candy, a clothespin, and a dead frog.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

My eventful Night

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 08:35:13 GMT

So the beginning was Slow and really rather boaring. I had a couple of tables, they tipped.. decently I guess. All in all nothing out of the ordinary for a tuesday except that I felt really really sick all night

CJ is an old employee of the break away who has an alcoholism problem, and she is a sweet and stable person when sober. However she has a tendancy to pick fights and talk shit when she gets drunk. She came in sober, and tried to stay that way, but when drinking with luke, nobody stays sober, everyone gets sloshed,we will revisit her later.

TC came in and totally brightened up my night, it had been extremely slow and boaring until then, I had a couple of shots and felt that with only acouple hours left I would feel much better making it to bed and I was happier having been at work tonight

Emily is really cool, and a super sweet girl I like her. Tanya has a thing for ben... as far as I know she 'loves' him and spent a lot of the night talking to him.

now I did not witness this part: Ben asked CJ out, or offered her a date/relationship/place to live- one of those. Tanya who I believe loves Ben was standing behind the two and overheard this. Tanya starts calling CJ a whore and proviking her. Cj in turn starts talking trash and they start to atttept throwing punches. fortunately this was still before closing and the bouncers separated them, and the fight subdued. Later Tanya comes back because Ben told her he 'never loved her' and she was back in within ten minutes crying to Emily and all torn up about the situation.

The BOYS! Chris (an amazing bouncer, bartender and a genuinely sweet guy) had been drinking -Don't it always start that way?- as had Rich (a guy I don't know so well)
Well Chris was watching the door as I was leaving, heading to my car, and Rich was trying to get back in to the bar. Chris said a few things calmly and clearly about waiting until the girls got in, and that Rich can not go back in, the bar is closed. Chris commented also on something about Rich trying to break a window of his. He said I should deck you. But Chris isnt one to fight without proper provovation. So Rich says to him, You have every right ot hit. and Chris said you don't mean that... Eventually Rich shook his hand and looked him in the eye and said you have my permission to hit me, and every right to do so. Now I stuck around, thinking that Chris wouldn't really sock this guy all that hard, and partly out of curiousity. They boys did their silly breathing things and Chris reared back and swung. Rich swayed into his hit and though it was not a strong punch it was a punch nonetheless. Rich Gritted his teeth. Rich began to spit out blood and a small chunk of one of his front teeth. He spat blood for a while and it was kind of pathetic, A really weak punch and two stupid drunk males. I sat ther with Rich keeping him awake and making him rinse out his mouth, hIs tooth will be fine if he doesn't fuck with it too much.
All in all 45 dollars in ten hours is not enough to babysit these morons. I have lost some respect for Chris. I feel bad, guilty even that I didnt stop it, I could have handled it better. But I really thought a lot more of Chris. I thought he wasn't that kind of masogonistic kind of guy. Oh well I learned

Well thats my night, don't you wish You worked here too? Also this is not the first story.. I should tell you about the prostitute Mona and her stint there too. How she was fired...

Well I'll make this short since I am sleepy. Mona worke with us for about 3 months, I hated her form the start. She fucked my disgusting boss to get the job. She was a prostitute, she went on 45 min breaks to turn her tricks in the parking lot. I didn't catch on until last month, just thought she was smoking pot like she always does on the job (loser). A costomer informed me he payed for a double job and was up there looking for his second half one night. I knew I hated her, I only worked with her twice, and refused to otherwise. Well she got fired one night when Chris called her out for having too many shots on the job and dissapearing again for a half hour. She said someting about how he just wanted to fuck her in retort. He told her that he 'didn't want aids, thanks." She went to 'the boss' (luke) and he wouldn't do anything about it, she got all fired up, cussed everyone out and left. I couldn't be happier. she is 86'd from the place and I hope to never run into her, or I will be all to happy to give her a much needed facial and mental adjustment. (I have my own reasons for distate of this girl... another time)

ok super strange

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 21:19:46 GMT

OK so I had this Super weird dream, and this is what I remember of it:
We (all these people and I) were in an elementary school, or maybe a jr. high. Either way, I remember there being students that belonged there listening to a lacture in ahuge hall with couches in the middle and bleachers on the outside.
Some of the people were smoking, in the school, when the teachers weren't looking. I remember walking through the halls. and I remember sitting in these bleachers reclining on Jake (the tall one) and also I remember a phone I found, another cell phone And I took it, claimed it as mine, it worked. I remember people looking at me angry I was suggling with this guy. i don't remember john being there. But i know the snuggling was innocent, just me lieing against him for comfort, I am a snuggly person. I can't believe I remember all of this, I know there is more, I remember filing out but not why we all left, I want tonkow why I have such strange dreams. i also rememberr I woke up thinking of John and How much I miss him though. . .
I think the phone was there for the fact that I am really lost without mine.
I think that the smoking and people looking at us angry was from a past memory.
The rest.. I am clueless for

Still up

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 09:51:21 GMT

Still having stupid depression
Either I cant sleep or I oversleep
need to sleep have to work soon
K night maybe

I know heres more:

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 06:54:51 GMT

I want to move away from here. I need to get out of here. I need a change.
I can't keep faling into these same ruts time after time. I keep trudging through school, the same jobs, the same painful things that keep me down. I am so tired of it all. I find myself so much happier in like north carolina maybe, with John Maybe.. .
I just need to get a job and find my place in the world. I am not happy with what I have.
Luckily I get to talk to my baby and I get to know he is there for me.
I need to re-enstate my social life. lets get together, say thursdays, we shall find a good coffee shop and chill for a few hours every other thursday, or even go bowling, please I need it call me if you are interested, starting this thursday the 19th
It willbe fun, I know you can all find tme for me, I have found time for you, and you know who you are. I need you now. I need you to help dig me out of this rut and I need your help. This is a call out to those who love me and those who care. COME TAKE ME HOME, make me feel like I belong somewher again. please.

I am also financcially stunted at the moment, so I can not offer to buy for anyone, though I know it has become my calling card to buy for those I care abot I can barely afford to buy for myself.

i love you all and hope someone will answer this cry for help.

I know I Know I need to re-connect

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 06:39:55 GMT

I have so much I need help with, sopport, and things I just need to get of my chest.

Ok first, My phone is on the fritz: has been a week now, can't use it at all should be 'fixed' by wednesday. Unfortunately I am a wreck without my phone- my one connection to all the people who dont call: Oh well, just so you know:
It is sad though thats one of my major connections with Zno (my darling Boyfriend)

My computor is broken again, and again and again.

I am increasingly upset and growing depressed.

I want to find a job but I think I need to sit on on aquite a few classes to refresh all i need to know for 'work'
I need help and encouragement

By the way ya'll

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 06:23:32 GMT

I am 21 thanks to those that DID remember and Ilove ya'll
(nessa and frankie you both called the day of THANKS it meant more than you know)

Dear John Letter

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 07:47:53 GMT

Dear John
most of this will be unfinished thoughts and statements
first I did call, after a bit, I want to be with you, but... I Know its not what is rigth for you.
I dont see any good I have done for you, I cause you stress, doubt.. and I make a mess of everything.
Everything I touch breaks

And I can obviously not be trusted..
I wanted to just call and tell you its bad to end things that way.. but i couldn't I keep thinking some realy great advice i was once given "never make a decision when things go wrong, Decide when all is going well, then you know you decided because you wanted to, not emotion"

I believe if you can't talk to me, and other things, I am not right for you, I want so badly to be. I have done the best I can to do good and be good.. and make good impressions. I feel like Ice

I feel like I have for months, Like I dont desrve you
Maybe I should just wake up. I belong here, and I deserve what i get here right, its karma. Ill get it all in the end... Ill just live with whatever..

I do like to quit.. and run away.. I hate things like this I just want to hide
and cry
when you picked up the phone and said I love you... I couldnt say anything
I can't do what I believe needs to be done because I can't hurt you like that. so I guess it is up to you...
or I need to let you know faster how this is not gonna work

I am so sorry
I have invaded your life
goodbye
Dek

and here it comes

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 23:08:46 GMT

Why dont I just move to north catolina- Im loving it here:
His mom wants me to stay here, even buy us an apartment, Im flattered and scared
I am going to miss John like mad.

ok so I have some real thinking to do

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 05:00:41 GMT

And if you comment Please give me UnBiAseD responses

*sigh*
TO begin I am not happy
I have not been for a long time (this may be a really long entry)

A- I have been depressed, unhappy and all around out of place at home, at school and at work. I feel like I am at a turning point and any decision I make now will be life-changing.
I dont know If I am ready to move out, to be on my own or whatever, I keep telling myself I have tons of time to figure that out, and when I am ready I will figure that out, but I I Just dont feel right

I don't know where I belong or where I fit in or where I can be happy

I feel sick constantly,

I am a terribly evil person inside due to .. things...

I just want to be happy

I just seem so damn selfish

this shouldnt be all about me,

I want to move.. I want to move to somewhere else

I want to start over, start fresh

I want to .. .. .. belong somewhere

I want to stop supressing these feelings and quelch them for good...

i don't know how

Big thing!

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 16:24:32 GMT

I know Im early in saying this, But HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHANNA!!! miss you and love and have a great day!, week! and Year!

sigh

Mon, 29 May 2006 21:53:39 GMT

GRR, just that.. well theres more but wandering eyes will read my thoughts.. GRR

IN NC

Fri, 26 May 2006 16:46:55 GMT

its hot, and im happy, Strange going to my boyfriends graduation, brings back SO SO many memories...

Miss you all! realy I do..

Kisses hugs, and all that jazz, be there soon!